1 Year or 7 !

A YEAR or 7!

Please fill in the blanks below…

Wow, its been:
a) 1 year since Tucker relapsed
b) 7 years since Tucker’s first cancer
c) A lot of years since mom’s hair started going grey
d) All of the above.

I can’t believe it. Time has sure flown by.
It feels like so much more time has passed since we heard the heart-stopping news of
a) Your son has cancer again- this time in his spinal fluid & brain
b) Your son has cancer
c) “Mom, your grey hair is growing so much faster”… (gee, wonder why).
d) All of the above.

So many highs and lows, so much good and so much bad, I’m so grateful for:
a) Talented & wonderful Oncology doctors at Primary Children’s Hospital
b) Kind & warm nurses in the clinic.
c) Hair dye that is inexpensive & covers the grey
d) All of the above.

I look back on the:
a) Past year
b) Past 7 years
c) Past hair color choices I’ve made
d) all of the above
…. And I think to myself- wow I feel:
a) So old & tired
b) SO MUCH love for friends & family
c) Like grey hair should come back in style- it would be cheaper for me.
d) All of the above

I just can’t imagine what our life would be like had Tucker’s cancer not come back. I think back to the 3 years he was in remission from his first cancer and I feel like I really took that time for granted. I should have done more, I could have done more- but never ever did I expect for us to go through this again- but you never really see these things coming. We were sure blessed with a child who:
a) Can take this cancer- again- & kick its butt-again.
b) Laughs & smiles daily & is so grateful for life.
c) Doesn’t laugh- too much- when he spots mom’s grey hairs..
d) all of the above.

There are no words out there to tell all of our friends & family how much your love and support means to us. We never, ever would have made it this far without you. From the perfect stranger who I will never meet- to my friends & family who have been there from day 1 of 1st cancer over 7 years ago, to all of you I say:
a) Wow- you are all so amazing- how did I get so lucky?
b) You are wonderful and we are so grateful for everything!
c) Come on, go grey with me!
d) All of the above… (ok, I know “C” won’t float..LOL)

I have been having a hard time this past month with our year anniversary coming up- I didn’t really realize that’s what was wrong with me until just one day it hit me- ITS ALMOST BEEN A YEAR or 7, depending on what cancer anniversary we are celebrating. What would our life been without cancer:
a) Stress free & full of butterflies and rainbows
b) Cheaper
c) No grey…
d) all of the above (except C… I don’t think I would have gotten away from the grey… maybe it wouldn’t’ have grown so fast though without the cancer stress LOL)

I know this is an odd post… but I had a dream about how I wanted to write this (yes, I type in my dreams.. I’m so weird)…. And every statement and point that I wanted to make applied to more than one cancer.
In January 2005 our life changed forever- my little 4 year old started the battle for his life- In January 2010- our life changed forever again- my BIG 10 year old continued the battle for his life. I never could have made it this far without:
A) The most amazing husband & partner ever, thank you Justin for being so wonderful.
B) All the angels who have come into our life- we have angels that we have never even meet! Angels from as far away as Alaska have made an impact in our life.
C) Sales at Wal-mart on hair dye, thank you.
D) All of the above- and more, much more.


All the answers were D in case you were wondering
We are gearing up for another chemo filled year, and I’m so grateful to have you all here with me- even if you not “here”. We feel your prayers… we feel your love- keep it coming.

Happy anniversary… 1 year or 7 years… its an awesome anniversary as long as Tucker is here, battling the cancer- I’ll take every single cancer anniversary coming our way. We will beat this- we will win this, we will celebrate every year, celebrate life.
Here’s to Tucker.
WAY TO GO MAN, KEEP IT UP!
We love you-
Love mom & dad-
Amber & Justin.

Letters to Santa, My Favorite Christmas Story.

Back when Tucker was 5 years old and we had just about survived our first year with our first cancer treatments,Christmas came around. This was our first “cancer at Christmas time”.Life was hard. So many things had changed for us in year. I moved back home with my mom & step-dad -Denise and Reese- they opened their home & heart to us and were fully involved in helping me care for Tucker while I still worked full time and did full time chemo (its quite the balancing act). I remember that Christmas (2005) I was sad and not expecting a big Christmas, I just didn’t have the money, but mom & Reese were doing everything they could to make it a great Christmas for Tucker. Still I just wasn’t feeling the sprit of the season- yet. I picked up the Hearled Journal one day (Logan’s news paper)and read this thing they were doing, your kid could “write to Santa”and send it into the newspaper and they would publish some of the letters.

It was a good idea, Tucker was a true believer of Santa (remember he was 5) and he was so worried that Santa would think he lived at the hospital and he wanted to write him a letter to tell Santa exactly where he lived now so Santa didn’t get lost. I sat down with a paper and pen and told Tucker “I’ll help you write the letter, and we will send it off right away”…. And this is what came out of the most memorable Christmas I’ve ever had.

*ToSanta from Tucker age 5*

Dear Santa,

I have been very sick this year with cancer, but I have done everything the doctors told me and I only cried at all the shots, but that’s it. Wish you could see me, my hair grew back! I want you to know I live with my mommy at my grandparent’shouse and NOT the hospital. I will try not to cry at the shots. For Christmas Iwould like never to be sick and a slurpee machine (my favorite thing). I want Sharkboy and Lavagirl (my favorite movie). I want a computer and a printer and a desk.

Please bring Bruno a BIG bone, he is a good dog.

Tucker

I remember trying not to tear up as I was writing this letter- was serious stuff to ask Santa! And it was also just a testament to how a 5 year old brain works- I don’twant to be sick and can I get a computer? LOL…. Only a kidcould think like that. I found out later that he had asked Santa for a computer and such to give to me, man- I have a sweet thoughtful kid!  I told Tuckert hat I know Santa doesn’t think crying at the shots is a bad thing and it wouldn’t put you on the “naughty list” because you do- but he was very serious about telling Santa he would try harder to be stronger.

Wow- right?

Well, I got the letter sent off to the “NorthPole” aka: The Herald Journal and I didn’t think much about it until the first edition of the Letters To Santa came out in the paper on December 22,2005. On the first page the first letter on the list, sure enough it was Tucker’s letter. I thought “oh, that’s sweet” and went on my way.  The next day, afternoon sometime- there was a knock at the door, I believe my mom went to answer the door. I remember her walking over and opening the door and then shutting it- she turned around and said “Tucker, it’s for you.” So Tucker and I walked over to the door and opened it up and there were multiple huge beautifully wrapped presents on the door step with a letter on the top of the stack.  So I took all the presents inside and sat Tucker down and we opened the letter, it read:

Dear Tucker (and Bruno)

I got your letter late and my sack was already filled. Since there was no room in it I brought these presents early. I hope you don’t mind. Enjoy them now,

Love Santa

P.S. Ihate getting shots too, the make me cry. Please don’t tell any one, it will be our little secret.

My jaw hung open in complete shock and surpriseas my little 5 year old was bouncing around and couldn’t contain his excitement-Santa got his letter! Santa was just at our DOOR! I said to him “open these presents, Santa’s orders!”.  Sure enough in the big box was his Slurpee machine (they were the “hot” toy that year) and if that wasn’t enough, it looked like Santa had raided the nearest 7-11store because in other packages we had a huge stack of official slurpee cups,and straws and lids & napkins. At this point I was stunned… as my 5year old was ecstatic beyond anything I could imagine or anything I could properly describe to you in this post. The feeling in the room at that time was, breathtaking… and so hard to describe, it was wonderful.

After Tucker opened all his slurpee stuff there was still one package left. I calmed him down long enough to open thelast present and sure enough- it was a HUGE thing of BIG bones for Bruno. Bruno was my mom’s basset hound dog, who would never leave Tucker’s side and almost daily became Tucker’s “pillow” or would sit byTucker when he was throwing up, Bruno was the love of Tucker’s life and I believe helped Tucker in so many ways dealing with the chemo and what he was going through.

Christmas's come and go & you never really remember the stuff you get- it’s the profound moments that stay in your life. This story I think of every year when this time rolls around, this is the story I will never forget. I want to encourage youall to be that Santa to somebody- be that person who has such a profound impact on somebody’s life that they will never, ever forget that moment and that feeling that you gave to them & that you made possible. Santa may have givenTucker what he wanted, but he gave me something even more precious- he gave me this memory, and that is more precious then all the toys in the world.

Merry Christmas,

With love

Amber, Justin & Tucker

Tucker 5 & Bruno September 2005

Tucker 5 1/2 years old, December 2005

Let It Grow.......

Hi everybody!

Tucker hasn’t been able to do chemo for the past 2 weeks because he didn’t pass his blood counts. His ANC (Absoluteneutrophil count- basically where your immune system stands- any thing under500 is considered sever neutropenia-high risk of infection) had to be above 500 to get chemo, and he just now got up to 750 on Monday- so off to chemo we go! He is at chemo today and my wonderful husband, Justin, offered to take Tucker up today- I LOVE THIS MAN- its so hard for me to not be up there with Tucker,but on the other hand & almost as important is me trying to get a full paycheck especially with Christmas (ugh) right around (ugh) the corner (SUPER ugh!).

The fun thing with Tucker is just this past month his hair started growing like CRAZY- in-fact I think the last time he was at school which was before Thanksgiving he was still bald- with a little bit of fuzz- and now in the past couple weeks its just been growing like mad! His whole head is filled in AND he almost needs a haircut (my opinion)… but the little stinker reminded me that long ago- (ha, not that long ago- seem like forever… but it was just this year) - when he was very sick, I had- at a very VERY weak moment- I promised Tucker when his hair grew back in- *sigh* I would let it grow for as long as he wanted it to *big sigh*…without cutting it- but come on- I would have promised him the world at that point- he was so sick and pale and getting chemo and blood ect ect ect…he looked at me with these big tired sick eyes and said “Mom, when it grows back- promise me that I don’t ever have to cut it again.” Now most of you would think this isn’t a big deal, but one of my pet peeves is bed head or messy boy hair. I love the clean cut look but Tucker wants it long and he’s earned that right. The really interesting thing is its now coming back in a different color. The first little fuzz that came in was just the most beautiful light blond, in fact it still made him look bald- but there was a nice growth going on with that color. I thought for sure it would come in that light beautiful blond- but when it started just mass-growing… its dark brown! He’s never been dark brown, he’s always been blond-but hair is hair- I guess I should be grateful that 1)its growing back and 2)its not purple or orange or some crazy color like that (that would have been fun though!). The funny thing is a couple months ago when I would ask Tucker what he wanted for Christmas, he would just say “I want my hairback”… and he got his wish, Thanks Santa! LOL

Since our chemo was delayed by a couple weeks this puts us in and out of the hospital all through the holiday season- but its fine, it will be just fine.

On Monday night we went with the group called HOPE KIDS and went to the Living Planet Aquarium, it was a blast. The kids had a great time running around and looking at all the fish. It was super fun. Here is a family picture of us.

I will let you all know tomorrow how chemo went today & what the doc’s say.

Love to all

Amber & family

It Was.......A BLACK FRIDAY

(Sorry for some misspellings and words with no spaces, blogger is not being very nice)

Picture this scene..... in Wal-Mart , 1 isle lays between me and my sister Tamy but it could have been a MILE for the sea of people made it impossible to see her, I gave her a hug before we parted and I said Good Luck little sis- I sure hope to see you on the other side, remember-WE TAKE NO HOSTAGES!
I wound my way though 1 isle… yes 1 isle -that took 10 minutes to get through (we are talking maybe 20 steps) to get to THE pile- the PILE where my treasure lay- my one soul reason to venture out to this god for saken store, on this black Friday night. (It was Amber's idea by the way)

I am a strong person by damn! After all I’ve been through?! I laugh in the face of black Friday!

I’ve taken on doctors with the god-like mentality-
Nurses who I’m sure secretly are evil little goblins- and the worst of the worst- a child on STEROIDS MULITIPLEtimes and I have LIVED to tell the tale….

Taking on black Friday at Wal-Mart is NOTHING in comparison- I’m sure….
Breathing deep…. Anxiety through the roof… I’m giving dirty looks to the lady beside me who had slippers on her feet & PJ bottoms on with little cartoons all over them… and the guy on my other side is throwing us a look like “I don’t care if you ARE women- I’ll take you out- bring it ON”…. And we all stood huddled, breathing deep, throwing glances… every once and awhile somebody’s hand would twitch and it would make all our hands twitch…. And then we would all share a nervous glance with each other with a little smile on our face that said- ya, not yet…. just practicing. Then in my head I started visualizing the moment when the clock strikes 10pm-I had a plan of action…in my mind, I was going to step right & then shove the cute cartoon PJ’s lady, throw a left elbow and take out the guy giving dirty looks (I had a good ½ inch on him.. I could take him) and then throw both arms over the very small pile of very precious…Paper Jams.
Yes people, yes, you heard me right all of this intensive planning and anxiety was all for the silly toy called PAPERJAMS. They are guitars made out of-non other- cardboard. Here I am planning my battle over an item- that on this night, this precious holiday night- was only$7. *sigh* what we do to save money ….. You would think they were made of gold with the way we were acting… but on with the story…. Screaming shouted in the distance (that sounded more like a terrified scream other than a nice “GO”) the START to this “fun” holiday experience BEGAN as screaming erupted all around me! I dove for my 4 PAPERJAMS that I just had to have- throwing elbows and growling- It took me a minute to realize that, I started to look around.. and nothing was happening to my precious pile of Paper Jams- no other hands were in the pile- …. Hu… I really didn’t have any competition…the PJ lady to the right and the snarl guy to the left were standing there for another TOY! Not the paper jams- so they are going at it pulling down the boxes of stuff that they wanted and totally ignored me- I’m the ONLY lady to venture out to Wal-Mart on this black night- to buy the silly- Paper Jams. So I hung my head, reached in and casually flipped through all the paper jams to make sure I got the right ones- as if I was casually shopping- I got my jams and even had time to think “hummm… this one? Or this one…?” - and then I turned around to go help Tamy- but picture this around me- the screams the shrieks- the noises of towers falling people yelling- oh my it was mass chaos- I looked down the isle that lead to Tamy and realized it was no use- she was for sure a goner! There was no way she would have made it out… so I shouted “Tamy, I know you’ll never make it out alive! So I’m not even going to try! I will tell people your last though was of your kids while you died trying to get them a big huge bucket of Legos”. Oh, but to be fair- she was also getting me a bucket of Lego's- HA! Apparently the deal with the Lego's was WAY better than my deal with the paper Jams- I guess all of Utah turned out to get this bucket of Legos… and I had left Tamy to fight that battle on her own- I am a bad sister- or I’m brilliant! Depends on how you look at it…. Anyways…

I took a step to the back of me and founda pile of something- I don’t even know what it was, all I know is it was part of the BLACK FRIDAY FRENZY…. So I reach down and scooped it up! & I saw another obscure item fall to the floor- as 2 other people were diving for it- I reached down and grabbed it! And then I turned to haul butt to the front of the store- I got 5 steps in my bolt and immediately hit a wall of people!
So I started shoving & pushing my way up to the front to get in line & get out while I still had my life & my precious paper jams.
When I get closer to the front- in the distance I see…. What looks like could be my little sister!

What’s this?! She made it out ALIVE! Oh I was over come with joy & happiness seeing her standing there-victorious! Holding 2 buckets of Lego’s! I was so proud of her! So I shoved my way past all these people up to her side and threw my arms around her and told her I thought for sure she was a goner! So after my initial I’m-so-glad-your-alive and then swapping horror stories with each other & compare battle scars and loot- we waited in line to check out for another HOUR. By the time we got up to check out I was so OVER the whole black Friday thing and wanted to throw down my precious paper jams and leave! But Tamy kept me sane & happy & filled with Diet Coke. (Amber failed to mention that she wanted me to make my way across the store after I had my precious Lego's to grab her another hot toy. I looked at her with disgust! I told her to pick her battles and I was NOT leaving my Lego post for her Crayola Glow Dome or risking my life...Tamy)

And then we went to Target- and that was awhole lot less climatic then Wal-Mart- everything was in order, we were all ina straight line- no pushing and shoving- I sprinted when I got in the store to get the Xmas tree I wanted- come to find out that when I got to the trees-there were TONS left! My feelings of panic and pushing and screaming were leftover in my head from the Wal-Mart experience and I expected the same at Target-but no, it was actually very nice. Me and Tamy got home at 1am and had a great shopping trip all together & now we have a GREAT black Friday story.
  
For Thanksgiving-before the dreaded black Friday shopping story (that was a pretty funny story though hu? LOL I crack myself up!),me Justin & Tucker went to Tamy & Ricks house for prim rib, and it was delicious and great company! I had a blast playing with the kids & shopping with Tamy. Tucker had a great time, he ate all his food and played lots of Xbox and got dang near anything he asked aunt Tamy for- because she spoils him! But just think for a second, in your own home- if you had a child in your house, not your kid, and you knew he had cancer, would YOU tell him no to ANYTHING? And guess what- he KNOWS that too…. LOL but look at it like- it’s the one thing he CAN use to his benefit.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Now on to Christmas *sigh*

Ugh…

Man, now I’ve got to get ready forChristmas….

If there is a Christmas fairy out there that can sprinkle Christmas Spirit dust on me, I would sure appreciate it- but don’tsprinkle, just dump a TON… maybe it will work.

Love to all-
The black-Friday Victorious warrior- Amber
(and Justin & Tucker also- of COURSE!)

X, Tucker, Grandma Kathy, Grandpa Corky Wilson, Autumn and Aspen

Amber in line at Walmart

Tamy barely survived Walmart with 2 boxes of Lego's! WE SURVIVED barely

A Birthday Poem

*warning, this post contains really lame & bad poetry*

When somebody in my family has a birthday I write a little thing about them- but since I’ve been in my “low” lately I’ve missed a few birthdays- every year when we hit the holidays in my family and we have birthdays coming out our ears!
***WARNING- BAD POETRY ABOUT BIRTHDAYS TO FOLLOW- IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH FOR HORRIBLE POETRY PLEASE SKIP AHEAD TO THE END OF THIS POST OR JUST CLOSE YOUR BROWSER WINDOW IMMEDIATELY!- IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THE POEM- YOU DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK*****

Happy Birthday to some special folks-
Who love to laugh and love to joke-
You are so dear to me in many ways
Lets point out to the WORLD (as if that many people read this blog)
How old you are today-
Mom, dear mom- I can’t even guess
I know your old- but you’re still the best!
You have beat cancer 2 times now
And you’re still mostly-kind-of- sound… (…LOL)
I love you so much you’re an amazing mom,
I mean- look at me, I turned out to be da’BOMB
Instead of counting presents I’m sure you’ll agree
Lets just focus on you staying cancer free.

My oldest sister- so so much older than she admits-
Oh, wait- that’s me that throws the “age” fits…(ha!)
Charity you’re older than me, I want to point that out
She is older, I’m younger- here’s something to think about.
Its time to point out all of the candles on your cake
34 years with me as your sister it’s time to celebrate!
You have made it this far, I haven’t killed you yet (ha!)
I’m just joking- & kidding, so don’t throw a tissy- fit..

I love you both, my sister & my mom
I hope you had a great day that’s come & gone.
I realize I’m late in writing this post
Remember, though, I love you the MOST.
I know this poem is terrible but I try to do it with grace
Just know above all- my hearts in the right place.

******** for all of those people who actually read the entire poem, thank you very much- for all of you who skipped the poem and are reading this now- hey, I don’t blame you- you have saved yourself from some horrible rhyming.
I hope you both had great birthdays-
Love you so much-
The sister who can’t write poetry (and is younger than both of you- I don’t know why but I feel the need to keep pointing that fact out)…
Amber
I

Denise....Mom....54 years young

Birthday Girls Denise (Mom) Nov 19 and Charity (Sisiter) Nov 21 Charity is 34 years young

Tamy (green), Amber holding Steelie (6months), Denise (mom) and Charity (Oldest Sister)

I Am So Thankful

I've been out of the blogging world for a bit- please forgive me- its just
As October came and went I’ve been feeling kind-of out of it... and just
down a bit and it took me a while to figure out why- this is coming up on
our year anniversary with Tucker. When this whole thing started Justin and
I always used Halloween of 2010 as "when Tucker started to change"- so from
October- January of 2011 we kept telling the doctors- Hey, Tucker was fine
on Halloween of 2010, I remember because I took Jaiden and Tucker that
night and we ran the neighborhoods trick-or-treating and it was just days
after that Halloween that Tucker started going down hill and we started
calling the doctors asking them about this or about that... and then came
January when Tucker was diagnosed. Well it just dawned on me the other day that I’m having a hard time, now. How odd is that? I'm just NOW having a hard time. LOL
That’s a women for ya, when you think we would not be ok, we
are ok, and when things are ok- we aren’t ok. I'm ok.. really... I’m just
not ok at the same time, how’s that for cryptic women talk? LOL Anniversary’s are tuff- depending on the anniversary I suppose. Cancer anniversaries are strange- its like YA lets celebrate! He’s made it through a year!!!!! The first year down of his 2nd cancer! AND its also the anniversary time for his first cancer… so its like YA, one year under out belt for our 2nd cancer… and 7years gone by from our 1st cancer… and then all your emotions gets all mixed up. Like I’m so happy we made it another year- but I’m so MAD that we had to do this again- I’m so happy Tucker is doing so much better, but I’m just so MAD that we have 2 cancer anniversaries, just lots of emotions floating around (feel free to feel sorry for my husband and maybe send him a card with a monkey on it hanging from a tree that says “hang-in-there”) LOL

Let get to the good news first…Tucker's Beat Boredom drive was a huge success! Holy Cow! We got hundreds and hundreds of DVD's- my good friends Angie had got a 500 DVD case hold for the clinic and we were able to fill up all but 100 holders! It looks great! I organized it (yes, yes I realize it won't stay that way..) I have a cartoon section, a girl section, a boy section, a baby & little kids section, and then a “big” movie section. It is great! I've heard from multiple other cancer mom's how AWESOME it is! It’s been up at clinic now for a week and its already getting well used, as I knew it would. Also, on top of the DVD's we got enough games for the Xbox, PS2 & Game cube to fill up a holder for each gaming system! All new and TONS of games! AND somebody donated an actual Playstation! Super-duper SWEET!
Let me give a BIG BIG thank you to Quest Academy- my son's 5th grade class
held there own SUPERHERO drive with the school and collected donations from
the whole school- OH MY HECK we had TONS and TONS! At one point you couldn't walk through our front room because we had stacks and stacks of
DVD's all over the place. And a big shout out to my friends in Alaska who also sent a box full of DVD’s for our UT cancer kids—This drive sure reached far & wide!
I gotta say we had so much fun going through all the DVD's- Also, Angie had some sweet contact that donated a hundred DVD’s (or more? Angie correct me if I’m wrong) to the cause- how COOL?!
You people are SO giving, this is the perfect time to say Thank you- I'm so
grateful this thanksgiving time for everybody who helped out- I'm grateful to Tucker's school- for my friends and for my family who helped out. You
all mean so much to us. I'm just so grateful that we had this opportunity
to help out all the families and kids up at the Oncology ward, Tucker is
actually excited now to go up to clinic to get his chemo because he
can't wait to play the games and watch a new movie and now I bet there are more than one cancer kid in UT who is also looking forward to going up to clinic now.

From the bottom of my heart- thank you all- and I'm so sorry at my delay in writing this post- I’m trying to get out of the "low" I’m in because Tucker is doing so good.
Halloween was lots of fun- Tucker went as some Skeleton thing, Jaiden was a
cool looking robot and I'm still not exactly sure what Lily was trying to
be. It was great fun. Jaired decided that he was to old for Halloween so he
stayed home and passed out candy.

The past 6 weeks Tucker's been doing home chemo- that’s the time when he
takes LOADS of pills- but it gets us out of going up to the hospital- its
so easy to pretend that life is normal during those 6 weeks- Tucker was
complaining all about school, as a kid should, he was playing with
friends- not cleaning his room- just being a 11 year old boy. Then last
week we started our big weekly chemos- ugh- but Tucker got to take all the
DVD's and games up there and he wasn't bored once. We did have a little
Hick-up in the plan- Tucker's had this horrible chest cough for like the
whole 6 weeks- I’ve taken him into the doc 2 times (just our family doc)
and they have put him on 2 different antibiotics and then we were scheduled
to start our big chemo on last Tuesdays but his cough had gotten worse so I
talk to the oncologist and they had me bring him right up- we did chest Xrays and saw that it’s not pneumonia and they put him on antibiotics again.
His blood counts were good though (last week) considering his cough/cold he had so they still gave him chemo.
This week was a different story- His nurse showed up at 8am on Monday to take blood for a CBC to make sure his counts were good enough that we could do chemo the next day- all of his levels have to be above something or other in order for us to get chemo- but it was a Monday like every other day- so Scott comes over, gets his blood- Tucker is feeling great- so I take him to school and then at 3pm Tucker’s nurses from Oncology call me and told me “Hey, so- Tucker doesn’t have an immune system his ANC is below 500.” My jaw dropped! Anything below 500 for you ANC is pretty much ZERO- like Tucker can’t and won’t (if I know about it) go to school if his ANC is below 1000- that’s just not a strong enough immune system to fight off the school bugs- anyways, I told the nurse “your just telling me this now? Its 3pm Tucker is just getting HOME from being at school alllllllll day long!” She said, well keep him home now, he should not be around people (hello! Its thanksgiving this week!) Or in public places. *sigh* Ooooookkkkkkkkey… thanks for the heads up.
This reminds me how hard it is to plan stuff with a cancer kid- The good news for Tucker and Justin is I had tickets through the Hopekids foundation to go see How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Broadway somewhere in SLC--- but sneaky me- I didn’t exactly tell them where we were “going” I just said – HEY FRIDAY NIGHT YOUR MINE AND WE ARE DOING SOMETHING fun! Justin color drained from his face and he put 2 and 2 together very quickly- he said- oh NO, it’s the holidays- and your not telling me where were are going?! It HAS TO be a musical/Christmas show of some kind!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
But I pulled the nifty little “wife card” on him and said…. Tough we are going.
Imagine the utter relief that filled Justin’s soul when I said to him the other day “hey so Tucker’s counts are horrible and we can’t go anywhere.” I swear I saw tears of gratitude fill his eyes. He gave Tucker a hug and said THANK YOU TUCKER- THANK YOUR BLOOD SO MUCH-
Hows that for an odd phrase you’d think you’d never hear?
I just rolled my eyes- the big party pooper anyways. Who wouldn’t want to see men and women dressed up in all sorts of Christmas outfits dancing around on a stage talking and SINGING in rhymes to the classic Dr. Seuss Christmas tale?
Men are not fun.
Tucker was a little upset- he wanted to go. Dang. Just can’t win.
Justin is never in the Christmas spirit- and I’m not either this year, which is a huge difference in all the years past, well for me anyways- I love Christmas, I normally put my tree up on Thanksgiving and get all the decorations out- and now *sigh* I just don’t have the energy or feel the excitement.
Like I said, I’m in a low- but I’ve gotten a new post up for the blog so maybe I’m slowing coming out of my low.

I’m so grateful to you all-
Much love
The Grinch (Justin)- Santa’s elf (Tucker) and the emotion-roller coaster (Amber).

Tucker

Tucker and Amber

Lily, Tucker & Jaiden

 Beat Boredom

Amber was Paper for Halloween

Creepy Crawlies = Fun (For everybody, but mom)

Over the weekend we took the kids and went to the Reptile show in SLC, wow! It was busy! There are a lot of crazy people in this state that think- that was fun…… hum.
This show was full of a lot of things that give me the chills & that feeling of something is crawling on you and you just want to run away screaming slapping yourself like your covered in…… spiders or bugs…. Or just…. Icky… creepy…. Crawling things… just all over you, No- I’m not talking about kids- I’m talking about huge spiders as big as your hands! Snakes of all shapes and colors and sizes!!!! I asked a guy there, one of the vendors, if these snakes were dangerous and you know what he said to me? He said “No, most of them are harmless, except for the one you’re standing next too- he’s not a nice one and I can only sale him to an experienced handler, are you an experienced handler?” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! He must have missed all the color draining from my face as I started to take slow steps in the opposite direction shaking my head thinking this guy was INSANE- Sure sure, the icky snake was in a “cage” but all of these horrific pictures started jumping to mind of the snake lifting off the top and jumping out at me (THANKS A LOT HOLLYWOOD!). So I turned around and went to the OTHER side of the show…not that it was any better- in-fact it had the “not nice spiders” on this side, serious people…. IS there such a thing as NICE SPIDERS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, no no no…. no such thing. They crawl… and they are icky… and they hang from a thread you can’t see just to trap things in it to EAT-
I hate with a passion the creepy crawly things in this life- Spiders (Justin has to come save me), Snakes (I took Honey running once and a snake crossed our path and she jumped higher than I did! So much for being a tuff pit-bull!), bugs- any bugs, anything with legs on it that can crawl and hide & possible bite or jump or has to eat other bugs…. *shiver* I just can’t do it, I can’t even watch movies that are about these… these…. THINGS… Arachnophobia- HECK NO, Man-Eating-Spiders-from-Mars NO FREAKING WAY (I made that title up, shocked? LOL, but you see where I’m going with this).
If you put aside my strong feelings of hate, and general ickyness mixed with the feeling of running and screaming and the paranoia that these THINGS were all out to get me- aside for a minute, turns out that boys love this stuff… *sigh*. I just happen to have a few boys in the house who though this show was awesome (shutter)! Tucker was a huge fan of the show! I just couldn’t convince him any different; he just shook his head and laughed at me. I’ve come to the conclusion that all the radiation he had on his brain must have done some damage after all- AND as I had that thought, the movie SPIDER MAN jumped to my mind, he was standing next to the spiders- for a brief second I thought “hey, if he got bitten by a spider and he’s had all that radiation…. MAYBE just maybe…..” and then the “handler” put a huge spider on Tucker’s hand to “hold” and I abandoned all thoughts of being the mom to a new breed of superhero child- as this- huge thing was crawling on my SON! I wanted to scream…. I had the feeling that the thing was crawling all over me- so I did what any mom would do in the midst of having a nervous break down- I took out my camera and took a picture of Tucker holding this spider.
It went like this:
Tucker: Mom! Look how cool this is! Are you ok????
Me: Tucker, just smile please *click*- now just put the thing back… quickly, but NOT quickly so as to startle it- so maybe just don’t move- just be very very still and that guy can get him off of you in a very quick fast fashion without moving in a quick way as to scare it….
Tucker : This is so cool, Mom can I…
Me: Don’t you even think about asking me for a spider! You’re grounded just for having the thought!
Tucker “awww… Mom! Its so cool.., did you just say I was grounded?”
Me: Yep, all that chemo and radiation has made you crazy… I just knew it and now your rebelling and think spiders are cool and - *to the guy behind the counter* could you please not laugh at my melt down and take that thing off of my child?

We also had one run in with a yellow… odd looking snake…………OH MY…. This guy had this snake hanging from his neck, like wearing a LIVE SNAKE TIE… and Tucker said “oh cool…” and the guy turned around and said “Oh ya, this is a nice snake… here you go!” and plopped the thing around Tucker’s neck! So again, I took a deep breath… tried not to think of Anaconda snakes in the Amazon…. In a voice that was shaking and weak from all the havoc being played on my nerves- I took out my camera and said “Smile Tucker”… and then went and got Justin & the kids and left- *whew*.

A funny side note to this crazy day at the Utah State Fair grounds (where all this was taking place) they also had a cat show, so we thought that could be neat to see all the pretty fun cats. We walked in the door and all these cats were right in front of us… just right there- a lady to the side of me said “That will be $5 to look at the cats.” I said “you want me to pay to look at the cats that we are already looking at?” She said “Yes.” I said “Lets go kids, you guys can look at cats for free in our neighborhood.”
It just made me shake my head.
We got all this fun and excitement from a cancer group we are apart of called Hope Kids, thank you for letting us go, it was a good time and I’m sure I’ll only need a few more visits to my shrink to deal with this all (just kidding), thank you very much.

With love,
Justin (the brave-not afraid of anything tough macho man)…. Amber (suffering from a close encounter of the spider kind)… and Tucker (No SPIDER MAN powers yet… but a hero just the same).