"Well That Sucks!": January, My Nemisis

What does January mean to you?
When somebody says the word January to you.. think of the very first imagine that comes to mind.
New year, end of holidays, snow, cold, starting over, New Years resolutions... losing weight, working out.... taxes, bills..... school starting over.... maybe even snowmen.

Tucker is sitting with me right now, we are currently getting chemo..... so Tucker what does January mean to you: Cold, painful- the cold makes my legs hurt more... white, cold winds, frozen water, cold (yes I think we know about the cold)... oh and coats, mom is always bugging me to wear my coat- oh and snow-forts too- oh and mom is always flipping out because she thinks I'm going to get sick (wonder where i got that paranoia from).

When I think of January a cold shiver runs up my spine..... at the end of December each day we inch closer and closer to January I become more withdrawn and quite. Sure, I'm happy with the holidays and all- but its just this feeling of doom & gloom in the back of my brain that grows bigger and bigger with each day that pulls me closer to January.

Ugh- January-
Nothing good ever came from January.
The NBC's "Today" show premiered (well, ok... its not THAT bad)
The first Super Bowl was held.. (sorry Super Bowl fans..)
The Space Shuttle Challenger exploded...
and on average January is the coldest month of the year- enough said (although i could not have even said that much without the help of Google).

I mean really.... January.... the coldest month of the year... can anything good come from the coldest month of the year?

I've left out the 2 most important evens that have happen to me in January- its BOTH of Tucker's cancer anniversaries.

Ugh, how depressing is that?

Both major life changing cancer events have happened in January- horrible January. Now it makes total sense why I hate January. 2 times now, we have started out the new year with hope and optimistic points of views... and 2 times it was the start of the worst times of our lives. So now when January rolls around I just can't think of anything.... good to say about January. In the spirit of being completely honest- I would like to address this to the month of January- they say in therapy you should just get it off your chest, if you have thoughts and feelings that need to be expressed, then express them!

So, dear January, I hate you. I hate that I feel personally imperfect when you come around and by that associated guilt making me join a gym. I hate how out of every resolution I've ever made in your month, I've only ever kept one of them.... and even though I know that's my own fault and own short comings are my fault (I know people, I know January can't make or break me in any way)... I still believe, deep in my heart, that its all January's fault. January personally hates me and Tucker. I think it has it out for us..... stupid January anyways..

On the bright side, and in January of all months....we are almost DONE with chemo! Can you believe it?! Well honestly I'm having a hard time believing it, in fact I've taken a more of a I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it attitude- or more exactly- I'll believe it when the tests come back clean.
*sigh*

I think January has made me a pessimistic person.
So for now we are scheduled to do big test next week- the type of tests that can turn a mothers heart inside out- the are-we-really-done type of tests. They are going to do a spinal tap to test his spinal fluid AND the are going to pull out a sample of bone marrow and get that tested as well. Every 6weeks up here they have done spinals on Tucker to make sure his fluid is still clear of cancer cells, but I believe the last time they tested his bone marrow was when we first relapsed.... what about 2 years ago? I think the bone marrow test is going to give me a panic attack. I mean really, we are so SO close to being done with this cancer.... AND we are still currently in the month of JANUARY and they want to do a bone marrow test?! See what I mean? I know January must have a personal vendetta against me.....

Tucker just had a long day of chemo yesterday, and he feels and looks like a truck hit him today. I just can't wait until its over. I can only imagine how Tucker feels. In a way its like he can start his life again..... the sad thing is cancer has taken almost all of his childhood.... but its never to late to start over, right?

This picture is SO cute... Tucker was too sick to make it to school today so he fell asleep on the beanbag, and there is a dog under each arm- and our big dog Honey is sulking in the background because there was no room for her. Justin said that Honey kept standing up and pacing in front of Tucker (who was cuddled up with the 2 other dogs)... and she would whine and get this look on her face like "what about me?". It was so cute.

So everybody cross your fingers, offer up a extra prayer or 2.... next week will be...
it will be.....
it could be.......
it might be my prayers coming true.....
it could be Tucker's prayers coming true....
So maybe... just maybe....January could be the best month yet....

with love....
Stressed & needs a vacation- Amber & Justin
hanging in there- Tucker